First off, I need to cut my finger nails. They are freakishly long and grow freakishly fast. The last few days have been filled with hermit-like activities and a bit of nostalgia (in a really bad way). Most times, I can’t remember any of my dreams, but these past few mornings, I wake up in shock.
One of the dreams included an “end of the world scenario” and a very detailed one at that.While its been a few days and I can’t remember exactly what happened (I should have written it down! Damn!), I do remember bits and pieces that stuck out. I.E: running down State street with explosions going off everywhere. My folks and I are running in the streets attempting to stop any car to take us out of the city but people are dodging us left and right. My mom is crying and dad is frustrated with the fact that he’s in Chicago. I remember distinctly feeling 100% guilty, which made it much, much worse. Haven’t woken up in fear in a whiles time.
I hate to be nostalgic in a “love”-sense, but I can’t seem to shake it off. Why? I don’t know.. I seriously don’t know. She broke me (all the way) down and I have been attempting to stand back up. It’s hard, really. And I’ve had to deal with some hard things, but I think for the first time, it wasn’t a mistake I made. LITERALLY, for the first time. I know it’s getting easier, or at least it was. Bitch texted me that she was sorry for what happened. And not to discredit her sincerity, but that’s a load of shit. Hot, steamy, piping shit. Her guilt somehow surfaced at 3 AM (most likely with Vodka?) and she needed to feel better about herself. God, at one point in time, I never thought I could hate her. Never ever! Even if the worst case scenario occurred, I didn’t think I could. I’m not one to stay situated in a problem like this, so I try to think to myself “everyone in the world has gone through this and most likely worse”. I keep that repeated in my head all day (and not just for her). But I can’t help to remember all the “you’re my best friend” and oh boy, the doozy: “I can’t see myself without you”. “I love you” doesn’t even phase me and I don’t believe that she really ever did. There’s a fine line between love and comfort. And she doesn’t (well didn’t) know it. But the first two, oh man. To have heard that everyday for reassurance and to be dropped like (insert snap) that- it really sucks. Really sucks. To be thrown in the dark and told to stay there because it’s better for her? How does one cope with the idea that one knows what makes (or made) one happy and not be able to pursue that. Blarg madness! Blarg indeed. Anyways, I didn’t just bring this up to depress myself (and you, my fans!)- I had such a vivid dream (which I still don’t understand why it happened). I don’t really want to go into it, but it felt so real. Dreams mess with you like that, which usually is pretty cool. Not in this scenario. A trick on your mind, really. Hopefully nothing reoccurring. I just need to get high out of my mind before I sleep. That usually creates some sort of morning-dream-memory-loss, right? Ugh.
On a happier note, that french press (shown at the top) is done and was throughly delicious. God, Intelligentsia makes some damn good coffee. I’m really throwing myself into Chicago now- having two jobs based only in Chicago (The Coffee Studio & Donna’s Cafe). It’s odd how different they are from one another, but I love it. I work both jobs everyday usually (and one right after the other). I get up at 4:30 in the AM everyday to make it on the red line by 5 AM to get to the Coffee Studio by 6 am. And when I punch out there at 12:30 PM, I go home for an hour or two- only to go to Donna’s Cafe to close. God, sorry why am I posting my schedule? Fucking boring.
Sometimes I get a little sad knowing that I skipped out on my college experience, but I know I wasn’t meant for it. Even though I would’ve had fun and whatnot, I couldn’t do it. To be around people that are mindless, drunk robots. I know, I know there is more to Michigan State and Central than that, but really? Is there? I need to be around people who stimulate creativity or have some sort of view on anything other than whether to get one handle of whiskey or two. I need to be around goal oriented (oriented! i almost wrote oriental) people (both traditional and nontraditional). Not people who are flip flopping between what? Being an underpaid “teacher” for the generation of fat fucks who are bound to make things even worse than it is? Or becoming a successful CEO and selling your soul to the devil while you drain the middle class in the the lower so you can finally get that 18th car. Or something insignificant, which will be the majority most likely. (because we all know you’re going to become a housewife that plans family dinners as a main priority and occasionally receptionist work for your kids’ school. Maybe garden a bit. Maybe, because after having all those kids, you’re definitely going to let yourself go and wonder how you looked the way you did back in your “college days”.) Dream big, people! Die, big people.
Although, it’s fun (to even see on facebook) to see my friends whom have put down these “slutty, drunk bitches that prowl the streets of Grand River on Friday nights” become one themselves. Entertaining and disappointing really, but that’s what college is. College can only strengthen and evolve the core personality that quality people have. Or it can lead you astray and make you fuck your boyfriend’s brother’s best friend while your boyfriend’s in the same house. Stuff like that, you know? Ho ho ho. I can’t say too many bad things about college- my best friends are all students and do their thing, their own way. That’s why I love ’em. Keep it going. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. But I’m going to do my thing and hopefully, it works out. It’s unpredictable, really. When you’re in college, you have this outline you follow – undergrad, grad, unemployed, finally get a job – and it rarely diverts from that. I don’t have any platform (9 and 3/4) to be stable on. I have NO idea where I’m going to be in the Fall or what I’m doing. And I’m so excited for that. I’m going to live before I die. One more time now, sista! I’m going to live before I die.