rantical

It’s odd when something sparks motivation. Well, for me. Rarely, and I mean RARELY, does “motivation” spark into the brain. I used to rely on all sorts of fun drugs to do so, but recently, the spark has been coming from near-eviction scenarios, (waste of) thoughts of love (or a lack of), and David Lynch’s Twin Peaks. You add all three together and holy fuckin cow, I am on a roll. What’s my roll? Written excerpts of dramatic scenes involving love hate and everything in between, instrumental tracks that most people won’t appreciate, and craigslist cruising for any sort of opportunities. (Rule of threes!) Specific, right? Well it’s mostly because I’m on that roll right now- hence this post. I’ve been browsing more blog sites from various individuals around the globe and only have begun to appreciate it. Now don’t get me wrong, I read them before religiously, but it was just in and out of my head unless it pertained to something I really enjoy. Now? I love to read them just to read. I stated a few posts prior about how blogging was just the lazy man’s novel-writing. Let me retract that and apologize to all bloggers- I retract that statement and I’m sorry. It’s a different feel, vibe. Novels are full productions with a team to make sure all the errors are found and every nitpick perfected (or so I imagine nowadays). Blogs? For the most part- it’s a structureless, opinionated free verse (the ones I like). It’s your feelings at the time that necessarily aren’t going to be there later. It’s a step up from an elementary diary and a step down from your deathbed memoirs. Yeah, somewhere around there. Where was I? Motivation? Oh yeah: motivation, motivation, motivation. It’s tough to keep it and continue to keep it. Especially when you surround yourself with mediocrity and Michigan, you know? Independence! That’s the sole key to motivation.  For me, at least. Not this stupid fake-independence where you’re getting money dumped into your student checking count that later converts to your state college’s food credit, but working your ass off so you can live. People don’t know what that is and will find out after being thousands of dollars in debt at 23- good luck, chuck. So for all you genius college kids graduating- it’s not exactly like ‘Workaholics’. Well probably the stress, but without the humor and constant drinking. Who am I?  What am I talking about? Jebus Christ-o.

Independence hit me hard, in the ass, this year. Financially, emotionally, physically, you name it. I grew up (specifically in the last few months). I got dropped from the one thing I was dependent on- Ally, and was forced to pick myself up and keep going. It was hard, but as I’m learning right now, absolutely worthwhile. (So I guess I thank you.) Being stuck in a “usual” order of things really is nice and comfortable, but being robot is not in my mindset’s calculation. At least, not anymore. “I need to be me” and “you need to be you”. God, I’m just ranting and way  lazy to organize my thoughts. So? things you didn’t know about me:

1. I have to sleep to some sort of movie/tv show every night. I know, i know studies show it rots your brain, but so did all the benadryll, acid, and pot I smoked- this is okay. It’s because I fell asleep every night to my mum watching old Korean dramas. Every night. It’s a dependence I need to kick.

2. My original dream? Freelance journalist for National Geographic. Specifically in an Arctic area of some sort. God damnit, I loved Arctic wolves and polar bears. But this is America! A land of unattainable dreams.

3. I prefer caffeine-free coke. ONLY because I was rarely allowed to drink coke when I was younger (actually, only on days my parents would bring home fried chicken from T-Birds- holy fucking jesus christ.). My dad kept it in the trunk of his van and let me grab two for myself when we had fried chicken. Now listen up, my parents are traditional Korean parents- fried chicken (actually any American foods) was a delicacy. I was on top of that shit. Also because it was in his car- they were warm. Hence? I drink all my pop products with a cup of ice even if the can is cold.

4. Commitment is terrifying. Not space.

5. I don’t like criticism, but I need more of it.

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